Sex And The Single Mum…Who Wants To Get Her Groove Back


A lot of questions have been coming in to our mail box asking about this issues of sex and the single mum.I remember coming across an edition of True Love magazine a few years back about it.  This is extract from it especially for that single mum who wants to get her groove back.  Happy reading

SNM sex and single moms 224x300 Sex And The Single Mum...Who Wants To Get Her Groove BackPriscilla*, 33, a graphic designer with three children, got divorced three years ago…..long enough to know it’s tough to find a good man and even tougher to keep him.

“It helps if a woman on her on has the looks of half her years and the wisdom of all of them.  But it’s attitude that makes the difference.  Single moms should know there is fun to be had if they want it , as well as men willing to make a commitment.  We single mums just have to find it- and them!  Unfortunately, there is competition in the marketplace, for men and it takes stamina to compete with cute young things minus stretch marks and boisterous kids!

They have money to spend on clothes, and they also have time.  While you help your kids with their maths homework, they are shopping and doing social rounds.  Perhaps it’s best to avoid men who are only after youth and a carefree lifestyle – and head for those who appreciate how much you have to offer as a full, whole human being.  “Even so, circumstances are definitely against a divorced or single mother.  How can you have an intimate dinner for two when you have a houseful of kids wanting fast food? How can you have a night out without worrying yourself to death of the safety of your kids with your neighbours or babysitter?

“Single mums should avoid the competition in discos and clubs where younger people go,” advices Priscilla.  “Anyway, more and more unattached men are using dinner clubs or introduction agencies to meet women.  You can tell the good agencies by the amount of homework they do on you in advance of introductions, the time they spend listening to what you require in a man, and the price they charge”.

For single moms, introduction agencies make good sense and their success rate is reputed to be high.  Marriage-broking is big business.  In Europe, they call it “pre-selection”, and its become a growth industry among populations where people don’t have the time or temerity to seek partners without help.  This way, all the preliminary work is done for you and you are matched in terms of age, income, interests and background – and with men looking for commitment as opposed to a hot date ( although, there are bound to be a few chances among them!). “I used a dinner club and found one exciting relationship and then a husband”, says Priscilla.

Maimunat*, 32, a bank teller with two children, says finding a man is only half the battle.  The other half is keeping him, especially when you have two kids, who demand your time. “You have to be one jump ahead of your kids – its endless work keeping your home tidy and yourself seductive” she says.  “I actually managed to meet a gorgeous man .  i was bored and lonely, so a fling or a relationship was equally acceptable. His intentions were definitely dishonourable, so i took him home – to find a flat full of kids waiting up for Mom! That is what dating as a recycled single is all about.

 Sex And The Single Mum...Who Wants To Get Her Groove Back

“It shouldn’t be a choice between him and your child(ren), but sometimes it is – after all, if there is going to be anything permanent between you, he has to accept all of you as a package deal.  But it’s hard finding the time to be alone together when you are still getting to know each other. “I made a rule:  the kids weren’t allowed to stay up late waiting for me and they were rewarded with special treats over weekends. I also linked up with two other single mothers – we take it in turns to have all the children for a night or a day,” says Maimunat.

“Another rule is that my kids can use the phone, but they don’t answer it.  In seconds they can ruin hours of hard work! There was one occasion when my eight-years-old son, Mubarak*, answered a Mubarak- and then he turned around and yelled: ‘Mum, are you in or out to men tonight!?’ Rule three is never let them hear yo answering the phone.  I was once talking to Onukaba in a really sexy voice and the next thing my daughter shouted: ‘Hey Mubarak, come listen to mummy talking funny”!

The situations Maimunat describes are familiar to all single moms. Children hate to see their mothers change. When you are newly single, they only know you as “Mum” , not the seductress you suddenly  try to become.  Nor are they used to men phoning and asking you out. It’s not that they are naughty or mean to sabotage your relationships, its just that they find your new role bewildering.  “Explain you are lonely without their dad, that you loved him, but now you want to love someone else and make a new family for all of you,” advised Maimunat.  “Tell them and show them you love them, so they don’t feel threatened by the prospect of a new man in your lives.  Only then do you stand a chance of keeping him.”

 

Zara*, 29, a divorced sales rep with three children, agrees. After she began dating again two years ago, she found it nearly impossible to flirt with men or relax in their company while her children are around. “it’s no good trying to be a glamour puss all the time.  Hot whispers on the phone and hotter hours of sex are great, but he has to understand you are also a mom and possibly, a future stepmother to his own kids, if he had any.

 

“Dating as one-parent families definitely includes days out with his children, your children and all of them together a well as intimate dinners for just the two of you.  “Can he love you, love your kids? The only way to find out is by trying.  Hard work has always been part of finding love, so you have to resign yourself to keeping your home presentable, being calm and good-tempered with all the kids involved and still having enough energy to be a temptress in the bedroom!

 

“We talked about our children and found each had a son besotted with reggae,” recalls Zara. “That meant ear-shattering evenings as they bonded with louder and louder music, but it was worth every decibel.  His younger daughter was in the basketball team and I got closer with her dad as we whispered behind the goal net!. He taught my son to make model planes, and his daughter help me cook and it’s all paid dividends.  We also attended a course for divorced parents, who were very useful”.

 

Ukachi*, 38, a divorced lawyer with two adolescent daughters, says she found being single and available again a very difficult adjustment. “I was like a teenager all over again, shy and unsure of myself.  It had been 16years since I had married and the dating scene had moved light years away from the way I remembered it.  I was so naive and I didn’t even know who i should be looking for. Was a never-before-married man with emotional baggage better than a man who had been married before, but who was looking for a serious relationship, not just a good time?

 

“I soon realised I would be lucky to find either.  Life doesn’t stop when you are alone with several kids but it definitely changes and so do you.  I reached my second adolescence when my children reached their first!  “The young sexperts around me were part of a would I only know about from magazines and movies.  To have a man friend after so long was a strange feeling.  It was like a parachute jump, a leap into the unknown.  “There is one advantage, though” says Ukachi, “At least you have done it and seen it all before, so you are aware of what can go wrong.  You can learn from your own mistakes.

 

“I was always too busy with my career and my children to really focus on my husband.  I never had time to really hear him, or so he said.  Now, I’ve become a good listener.  “I know about relationship problems, but there is a new sexual and dating etiquette belonging to a new generation, and the only people who can teach me are my teenage daughters! It’s a strange sensation swapping guiding roles.  After all, are there new ways of dealing with all the old dating problems?  Should I phone him or not? Should I say ‘yes’, if I mean it, or say ‘no’ and keep him dangling?

 

“And what about sex?  DO I make him have an AIDs test and ask to see the results?  Definitely not, I have learned.  When two people go for this test together, that is the new commitment.  My daughters tried to reassure me.  “Don’t worry Mum”, they say.  “He’s as old and backward as you, so you  will both be fine!” laughs Ukachi. “ And eventually, I was.”

 

*Not real names


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